


Wide Awake/4am

by Sashataakheru



Category: Australian Comedians RPF
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexuality, Canon Disabled Character, Community: queer_fest, Gen, Intersectionality, M/M, Physical Disability, coming out in public
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-14 10:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wil never felt he had the courage to come out, not as the first. He didn't want to be first, and always hoped Adam might come out first, just to pave the way for him. But coming out doesn't work that way, and as he realises this, Wil has to decide if he's going to come out himself, if no one else will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wide Awake/4am

**Author's Note:**

> Written for queer_fest2013 for the prompt: "RPF, any fandom, any character, no, actually, you do NOT have an obligation to come out!"
> 
> Unbeta'd. Probably has some mistakes in it. First time properly writing about Adam's disability as well, so if I have fucked up in any way, do let me know so I can do better next time.

_London, November 2012_  
Wil kicked back in his chair, beer in hand, as they watched the stars disappearing into the cloudy, light-polluted London sky. Lost in thought, he didn't notice Adam beside him until he heard the bottle cap hit the floor of the balcony. 

"You missed a good night last night. Great club, great crowd. Mad fucking cocktails. I swear, some of those drinks were gayer than the drag queens on stage," Wil laughed. 

Adam felt himself stiffen, just a little. He had declined the invitation to go to some gay club the night before, but mostly because he felt he was too well known now to get away with going there unnoticed. Wil was allowed to be queer; Adam had no desire to make his bisexuality public knowledge. 

"I heard you were dancing on the bar by the end of the night," Adam said, remembering the text he'd been sent, informing him of what had been going on.

Wil nodded. "I was, man. Bur like I said, it was a great club, and you missed a damn good night. If you weren't so worried about how everyone would perceive it, you'd have had a great night too."

Adam inhaled sharply, not interested in having that conversation again. "It's not just about perception, it's more than that. It's alright for you, because everyone kind of suspects anyway. You don't care about talking about it in public. I'm just not interested in making that part of my public image. I've got a kid now, and that changes things, you know?"

Wil glanced over at him. "Are you ever going to tell her, then? Your kid? Is she ever going to know?"

Adam shrugged. "Probably not. I mean, why would she need to know? It's not like I'm going to cheat on her mum or anything. And that's what people think bisexuals do, anyway. We're cheaters. I don't need that kind of reputation."

"They might not think that way if you came out. You could give 'em a voice. Like, you could talk about it in a way that I can't do, because no one fucking believes me anyway, no matter how many times I say it. You could say what I've been wanting to say, and they'd believe you, because you've got cred. People trust you," Wil said.

Adam scoffed at his words. "Nah, they don't. Well, not like that. I don't want it to define me, y'know? I don't want to be known for that more than anything else. The leg's bad enough. I don't need to come out on top of that."

"I thought everyone was cool with your leg," Wil said.

"Oh, they are. That's not the problem. But it defines me, now. I mean, it always has, but it's different. It's more explicit now, since I started doing the Paralympics. I became more visible. And I really don't regret that at all. I've done so many awesome things because of that, and I think it's awesome that people with disabilities-"

"Mutants," Wil interjected.

Adam smiled. "Yes, us mutants, with our super special powers. Like, perception is changing, and that's a great thing. But it's not about me. Coming out would make it all about me, and that's just not something I'm willing to do. I don't see any greater good that could come from it, so I'd rather just keep it to myself."

Wil shifted to face him. "Yeah, see, that I don't understand. Why would it be alright to do that for disabled people, but not for other bisexuals? What's so different about coming out that it wouldn't be good?"

"It's just different, you know? And we had the Paralympics, which were just massive. There's nothing like that for bisexuals. Like, not explicitly for bisexuals, that would be accepted on the same kind of scale. There's no avenue for public acceptance if I came out. It would just end up being about me and me alone. It's ultimately my choice, Wil. I won't do it for others, out of some sort of obligation. It's just not something I'm willing to do," Adam said.

Wil gazed down at the ground, nursing his beer in his lap. "You wouldn't even do it for me?"

"Come out yourself, if it matters so much to you. I won't be bullied," Adam said.

* * *

Wil found himself bothered by Adam's words for weeks afterwards. He thought he had a good enough grasp on both his sexuality, and on his old friend, but apparently not. He wasn't sure why he didn't think he could come out and speak for everyone like he wanted Adam to do. He had not made much of a secret of his sexuality, though whether anyone really understood what he'd been referring to was not entirely clear to him. He had been rather vague about it, eluding to 'where you are right now', and being a little bent out of shape. 

But perhaps Adam was right. It wasn't like the Gay Games got anywhere near the same sort of air-time as the Paralympics, and even if they did, it wasn't like sexuality was a visible thing, anyway. It didn't manifest itself in any kind of obvious way, and someone as blokey as Adam could be bisexual. 

"But it's not a missing leg," Wil conceded, then scolded himself for thinking of sexuality as if it was some sort of mutation, or a sign of a broken body. He'd had enough of that thrown at him as a teenager to know it was not helpful to think about sexuality in that way. He wasn't broken. He was just different. 

But it still wasn't a missing leg.

* * *

Wil was feeling particularly philosophical that morning. It wasn't just because he hadn't slept, though that did tend to make him think too much about everything. But lying beside Adam, becoming aware of his missing foot in a way that felt all too intense at 4am, all Wil could think about was coming out, and how he and Adam got mistaken for each other far too often. 

What if he had a missing foot? Wil kept wondering about that, how it would feel to have a missing foot and have to live with that kind of disability. He felt Adam made it look easy, though he suspected it wasn't always that way. He wasn't sure he could sustain Adam's optimistic view of the world, either. He might end up hating that damn missing foot and all the problems it would cause.

"Do you ever think about what it'd be like to have two feet?" Wil murmured as he heard Adam stirring beside him. He needed to talk now, and was glad he had Adam with him to help sort out the mess in his head.

Adam took a deep breath as he rolled over to face him, parsing his question in his head. "Of course I've thought about it, but I don't obsess over it or anything. I can't really change things, can I? Why do you ask?" 

Wil glanced over to see the confused expression on his face. "Oh, you know..." 

"Have you been up all night again?" Adam asked.

Wil shrugged against the pillow and gestured vaguely at his head. "Maybe. Head's too busy. Couldn't make it shut up."

"You need to sleep, Wil. This is the third night all week. Even I've noticed how it's affecting you," Adam chided.

Wil brushed him off. "I'll be alright. It's been worse, that's for sure. It's this bloody time zone. I can never really adjust to it properly."

Adam smiled. "So, you lie in bed all night thinking about me and my foot?"

"In a way, yeah. I still can't figure you out, how you can see coming out about your foot differently to coming out as bi. Like, they seem like the same thing to me, y'know? I just don't understand how they're different for you," Wil said.

Adam sat up a little. "It's not just about the constant coming out, Wil. It's also the hassle, and that dread sense that someone, somewhere, might want to hurt you. I mean, it wasn't so bad with the foot when I was a kid, because people understand physical disability exists, and they've accepted that it happens. I can tell them that I was born without a right foot, and they'll accept that. They pitied me, too, but I learnt not to take it personally. Able-bodied people don't understand how a disability changes the way you live, and how there's sometimes not anything you can do about it. They treat you as a freak, and when you do amazing things, they think you're so brave for doing something so fucking normal. I like to think we're all superheroes, but sometimes, it's such a drag to have people congratulating you for doing something you do every day. I'm not a role model for anyone, not because of the foot, nor because of anything else. I just entertain people and make them laugh and feel great. I don't need two feet to do that."

"Is that part of why you don't want to come out?" Wil asked, unsure if he really understood.

"I'm queer and disabled, and these two things affect my life in different ways. I'm lucky that I don't look disabled, or look particularly queer, and because I'm married to a woman, I can look for all the world like a straight, able-bodied man. And that's what most people see. I make it look easy, but I know I have it better than a lot of people, and I'm so grateful for that. My life isn't normal for many people like me, and it never will be. It would feel right to come out for those people, to pretend like my life is somehow a reflection of theirs, and that I can serve as a public face for that. It's just not something I want to do. If I ever decide to come out, it'll be for me alone, and no one else," Adam said.

"Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I can't know what it's like to be you, and there are times when I do forget you haven't got two feet like everyone else. It's like it doesn't bother you at all. I don't know if I'd cope any better, though. I think I'd just end up hating myself for it," Wil said.

"I'm really lucky to be in that position, that I can do practically anything you can do. But I still don't want to come out, not for others. Can't you imagine what it'd be like to be known to be out, and always have to get asked about it? They'd go to you as some sort of representative. You'd be the bisexual voice, because you've got the biggest profile. Now, I don't know about you, but that's just not something I'm willing to do. I don't want anyone to expect me to become an activist, just because I chose to come out. But that's what they'd think. They'd always mention it in interviews. Haven't you even thought about that? It's not something I really want to deal with, and I doubt you want to, either," Adam said.

Wil sighed. "But when does that ever happen in Australia? To queer comics? Like, does that ever happen to us?" 

Adam shrugged. "It might not happen back home, but it would happen here. I've got a profile here now, and I have to be careful about what I do here. It might never get to Australia, but it suddenly got very big, and I've had to deal with that."

"Which is why you never come to gay clubs with me anymore," Wil finished.

"Got it in one, Ando. I mean, coming out is a huge deal for normal people. Most kids don't have to think about the press or how it'll be perceived in the media. They might come out to their family and friends, and it might never go much wider than that. But we'll be effectively telling an entire country. That changes the stakes. Don't think you're the only one who's ever pressured me into coming out because I'm famous. You're not the first. But I never buckled for them, and I won't buckle for you, either. I just can't do it. What's stopping you from coming out, if it means that much to you to have someone famous who's out as bisexual to lead the way? Why does it have to be me?" Adam said.

"Because it's you, Adam. They'd believe you. They'd forgive you. I doubt I'd have the same luck," Wil said.

"I don't think you know your crowd as well as you think you do. Why wouldn't they believe you?" Adam said.

"I just can't see me getting away with it. I'm not as famous and well-loved as you are. I mean, even you have to admit that everyone fucking loves you. You can't do any wrong, Hillsy. Me? I fuck up the Logies and tell dick jokes. I'm the beta version of you, the one they'll eventually scrap for parts to fix you. Hey, on the bright side, maybe you'll get two feet at last. You can have my right foot," Wil said.

Adam had to laugh at that. "I still don't know how anyone gets us mixed up like that. We're not that identical, are we?"

"We weren't the last time I looked. I mean, surely they can just count the feet. The one with one foot is Adam," Wil said.

"You're expecting too much from some people, I reckon," Adam said.

"No, but seriously, how on earth do they get us mixed up? Our material is so far from being identical I can't believe it keeps happening. I'm still asked about Myf and Alan, you know. How would I know how they are? I never hosted that bloody quiz show," Wil said, sounding more exasperated than he was.

"I think we should be twins one day. Like, switch places properly, and see if we can't convince people we're each other. Not famous people, but ordinary people, because they won't twig. Well, they won't twig as easily, I don't think, unless they're smart enough to know we're not identical," Adam said with a laugh.

"Yeah, I'll go to all your favourite restaurants and stop ordering meat. That'll fuck 'em up," Wil said.

A look of amused horror washed over Adam's face as he imagined Wil doing just that. "Oh, God, no, I'm not letting you go in and break their hearts. Even if I would love to see that, just to see how they'd react."

"I can just imagine them wondering if you'd gone mad, suddenly being all vegan. Imagine if I live-tweeted it, just to see if anyone would twig it was really me and not you. Imagine trolling twitter over that. That'd be hilarious," Wil said. Mischief was filling his mind, and it had him laughing hard.

"I can't decide if I want this to happen or not, or whether I'd trust you with my reputation long enough to pull it off," Adam said.

"Oh, I wouldn't trust me with anything that important. I'd trash it and leave it in rehab for you. But I'd have plenty of fun along the way," Wil said cheerfully.

"Yeah, I knew there was a reason I didn't trust you. Man, I'd probably never be allowed back in those places again if you pulled a stunt like that. I think I'll pass, mate," Adam said.

"You bloody wuss! Alright, so it doesn't need to be that, but maybe we could still do something like that one day, just to see what would happen. Nothing too big, but I'd love to try playing you for a day, foot and all. You never know, I might finally get what you mean about your foot being different, y'know?" Wil said.

"It might help. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it, because so much of it is about how other people react to you, and that's really hard to replicate. People react differently to a physical disability than they do to sexuality. You might see them as the same thing, but most of the world doesn't. Just trust me on this, will you? I'm the one who's experienced both. I know what I'm talking about," Adam said.

Wil thought a moment, before shaking his head. "Maybe you're right. Maybe it's just because I don't have that disability to compare to. I don't know what that's like, to have that kind of disability that I have to keep explaining to people, but I know what it's like to have your sexuality questioned all the time. I guess I just don't get how they're different, because I've never experienced how they can be different. They just seem like the same sort of thing to me, but with a few different issues attached to them."

"You're not the only one who thinks that, though. It takes a while to really understand how different they are. But I think a discussion on intersectionality is for another time when I am not so fucking tired. I think you should go back to bed and get some sleep, and I will try to wake the fuck up. Who the fuck brought on this morning?" Adam said.

Wil agreed, and murmured something incomprehensible in reply. He lay back in the darkness, trying to make his brain fall asleep. It was easier now, having thrashed out all the issues with Adam that had been keeping him awake. He knew, in his mind, that Adam was making sense. Of course Adam knew what he was talking about, and Wil felt he should stop questioning him about coming out. And yet, Wil just knew he needed _someone_ to come out, someone famous that he could stand behind, to boost his own confidence. Maybe then, he might be able to actually say he was queer, and not just allude to it with vagaries and nail polish. 

Wil never entertained the suggestion it would be him, though. Wil wouldn't be a trailblazer, and in a moment of clarity, he did recognise how hypocritical it was to insist Adam came out, when he didn't want to do so himself. He could see that, and understand it. But it didn't help. 

Perhaps there was some way to work around it. Maybe Wil just needed to grow some balls, if having a big name bisexual man out there was so important to him. Wil wasn't sure he wanted that, though. But Wil wasn't always sure of much, and maybe this was just one of those things he'd need to accept, and do for himself. Sometimes, there really wasn't anyone to do things for him. It was the last thought he had as he finally drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Wil didn't think about it much, either, when Adam found his way into his bed after a night out drinking, and he had to contend with how much he hated having Adam sleeping beside him. Wil had loved Adam for a very long time, but he had eventually accepted that he'd never have him. But they still slept together, still occasionally had sex, and Adam still slept with his arms around him as they tried to keep warm during a cold night. That, perhaps more than anything else, was confusing Wil so much. 

He did understand Adam's reasoning, though. He'd seen enough biphobia, particularly amongst gay men, to keep silent about his own bisexuality. Pick a side, they'd always say. They had no understanding of how complex sexuality could really be, nor did they want to. It was as if, by being intimate with a woman, Wil had picked up girl germs that repelled any gay man who came anywhere near him. Wil just thought they were being childish. 

And yet, Wil still felt like they needed a bisexual man to be out there, making it easier for others to come out. Perhaps that was really at the heart of the matter. Maybe he needed Adam to come out for him, because he didn't think he could do it himself. 

Wil thought long and hard about Adam's words. He didn't like the accusation that he was too afraid to come out, but wanted to encourage Adam to come out for him. Wil hadn't thought he'd been exerting that much pressure on him, particularly not over such a sensitive issue, but apparently he had, without even realising it. Wil felt bad about that. He'd never wanted to force anyone to come out, or to make anyone feel like they should come out, but perhaps he'd been mistaken.

Adam had rattled him. Indeed, Wil kept wondering why he really cared so much, and why he didn't just come out himself. He had dropped hints, yes, but they were generally disguised under the mantle of comedy, and it was easier to hide the truth in there than it was to come out and say he was queer.

Not that Wil really knew how to talk about his sexuality, either. It wasn't really bisexual. It wasn't really gay, either. It was fluid, and he'd never really known anyone else who experienced sexuality that way. Feeling himself a freak, he had mostly kept it to himself, wary of being seen to be something he wasn't. He had thought about coming out before; he'd thought about it many times, and every time he felt he was ready, he'd declined the chance. He wasn't sure it was the right time. He didn't have the right words. He was sure he'd be ridiculed for it. He had so many excuses he wasn't sure he'd ever run out.

But somehow those small little references, those little jokes about being bent out of shape and perhaps a little less straight than everyone else thought he was, seemed to be justification enough to feel like he'd outed himself. He'd told others in public that he might sometimes like it with men, in the vaguest of terms, and that meant he could stop coming out, right? 

But it wasn't right. Wil knew, in his heart, that he was just trying to project his fears onto others, particularly Adam. He'd felt Adam was much braver than he was for a long time, so he didn't seem to pick how hypocritical it was for him to be encouraging Adam to come out, as if he ought to come out, when he was not at all interested in coming out himself. Coming out should always be a choice, and not a decision anyone else could make for someone else. Wil had always believed that. He'd just been being a dick to Adam for so long, he hadn't even realised he was being like that. 

There was also the thought, in the back of his mind, that once you came out, you never really stopped coming out, either. He'd have to keep talking about it, to remind everyone - again! - that he was queer, in a manner of speaking. He'd have to keep saying it, to keep coming out over and over again. It wasn't something he'd ever looked forward to, and perhaps it was the same with Adam. Maybe Adam didn't want to have to do that, either. He'd spent enough time around him to know he had to keep coming out about his bloody foot. Perhaps it would be even worse if he had to add his sexuality into the mix.

And anyway, it wasn't like Adam had a pressing need to come out, either. He was happily married to a woman, and they had a kid now, so why Adam needed to stir the waters by telling the world he was queer, Wil didn't know. Perhaps there was no reason, after all. It wasn't important for anyone to know, and perhaps Adam was right, that it would cause more trouble than it was worth. Wil was all too familiar with the accusations of cheating that bisexuals tended to attract. 

But he still didn't understand why Adam felt his foot and his sexuality were two inherently different things. Wil couldn't understand why they weren't the same. Each involved a process of coming out, but about different things. Physical disabilities had to be confessed to, and so did sexuality, eventually. How was it any different? How were they two different things that had two different reactions to coming out? 

In the end, Wil decided it probably wasn't a question he could answer for himself, and stopped thinking about it. But he had come to the conclusion that if Adam wasn't going to come out for all the others out there, then it might have to be him. He'd already apologised to Adam for pressuring him into coming out, and Adam had graciously forgiven him, though Wil didn't really feel like he deserved it. But deciding to come out, and actually coming out are two very different things. Wil wasn't sure when he would come out, but he felt he would, some day, when the right moment had arrived.

* * *

_Melbourne, April 2013_  
"I'm bisexual. Yeah, I'm willing to admit that."

Wil wasn't sure he wanted to say it, now that he'd said it, and wanted to know if it was too late to take it back, to pretend he was just joking. But he could see Adam watching him from backstage, and he was surprised to find his encouragement was what he needed to say it for himself.

"It's not easy to admit, but fuck you if you can't get over it. It's not my problem, and it sure ain't yours, either, buddy. I mean, I don't spend my time judging who the fuck you decide to sleep with, and neither should you."

Wil still had the audience, but he was so nervous he was surprised he could still speak. He hadn't been this nervous in years, but somehow, he managed to come out, tell some dick jokes, and finish the set in one piece without dying on stage. 

Adam greeted him with a warm hug, tight and full of love. Wil was so shocked he hugged him back, not sure what to make of it. They hadn't hugged like this for years. 

"I'm so proud of you, Ando. I couldn't have done that, but you bloody well did. You went out there and owned it for yourself, my friend. Maybe one day, it'll be my turn, when the time's right," Adam whispered.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. One day, Adam. I still wish it had been you, though. I didn't want to be the first, you know? But maybe no one else was going to do it, anyway. At least someone did, hey?" Wil replied.

"Yeah, someone did, and I'm glad it was you," Adam said.

Adam took him for a drink afterwards. It was late, and there were several other comedians with them. It was festival time; you couldn't walk three metres in Melbourne in April without running into a comedian. But that was how Wil liked it, and he appreciated the congratulations and offers of support from his mates. If he was going to be the bloody trailblazer, it would be nice to know there were others there with him, making sure he didn't fuck it up. 

Wil still felt elated at actually coming out in such a public way. He'd spent the past three months wondering if it was the right thing to do, and came to the conclusion he'd been ready for years. He just lacked the courage to say it, too afraid of the reactions he might get for coming out as bi. He came out for no one but himself, and that felt really good, to be able to do that in front of a huge audience and not feel like he would feel any repercussions from it. There was too much going on at the festival anyway, so it ended up getting drowned out by everything else. Wil didn't mind. He could go back to vagaries and nail polish now, and see if anyone still remembered what he'd said.


End file.
